Unconditionally: The Opposite Sex
by Nutter-Lamb-Chops
Summary: "Girls are like ravenous bats, Pronglet. Compliment them once and they'll all swoop down on you wanting more, more, MORE until you are a bleeding mess on the ground getting pecked at by vultures as kneazles claw at your face-" "Where are you going with this, Padfoot?" - How Sirius and Remus turned Harry off romance. An Unconditionally one-shot.


**Hello all! I'm back with another one-shot from my Unconditionally series. This is just something I have been imagining for quite some time, and I finally began to write it. The main story will be updated by the end of the week so stay tuned!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter; it all belongs to the wonderful J.K. Rowling.**

UNCONDITIONALLY

THE OPPOSITE SEX

Sirius stretched his back luxuriously as he made his way down the staircase late one Saturday morning. Words would never describe just how much the animagus lived for weekends, not just for the ten a.m. sleep-ins, but also because he had two whole days to spend with his eight year old godson, who would most likely be awake in half an hour. Harry had eaten so much ice cream the previous night that he did not fall asleep until the early hours of the morning.

He was therefore surprised when Harry came bounding into the room, fully dressed and looking incredibly restless.

"You're alive, Harry! I thought you might have slipped into a sugar coma." Sirius turned on the kettle and looked at his godson curiously. The eight year old was compulsively straightening his shirt. "Pronglet, this is the first time I have seen you wearing jeans and a jacket at this time of the morning. Usually you're in your pyjamas or underpants."

"I need to look good," Harry explained anxiously, eying his reflection in a spoon.

"Really? For who?" Sirius asked in amusement as he sipped from his mug.

"For Charlotte."

The animagus choked on his coffee. "Charlotte? As in Charlotte Benson who lives next door?"

"Yes," Harry raised his head and spoke sincerely, "I love her."

Sirius gaped at his godson in shock. Harry had never expressed any interest in girls before.

"Wow…that's unexpected but…good on you, Pronglet!" He clapped the young boy on the back. "I had no idea."

"I didn't realise myself until last night," Harry commented gravely as he ran his hand through his hair (Sirius smiled sadly at the familiar action). "We were talking through the fence yesterday when I saw her eyes, and I just…" He looked dreamily at the ceiling. "I realised that she is the girl for me."

Sirius fought down a smile at his godson's words, but was distracted by the sound of his friend apparating in the hallway. Remus entered the room, yawning loudly.

"I hope you're all enjoying your weekend thus far whilst I have to go to work soon," he commented grumpily. The werewolf had been working at a dingy potion shop for several weeks.

"Your suffering brings us immense pleasure, Moony. Care for some cereal?" asked Sirius, waving the box at him. "I can assure you that it's fresh and that there is no hidden belch powder residing in this package."

Remus hesitated but nodded. "Alright. If I so much as sneeze after I eat this, I will stick your broomstick where the sun doesn't shine." The werewolf frowned at Harry, who was still smiling absently at the ceiling. "Err…Pronglet? Are you alright?"

"You'll have to forgive Harry, he's a tad distracted at the moment. He's in love," Sirius informed Remus, trying not to grin at the werewolf. Remus's eyes widened in surprise and he smiled at Harry.

"That's fantastic, Pronglet," he congratulated the young boy. "Who's the lucky girl?"

"It's Charlotte, the girl next door," Sirius answered, ruffling Harry's hair affectionately. "And yes, she is a very lucky girl."

"You two say that, but I think _I'm _the lucky one," said Harry seriously. He licked his teeth in an effort to remove any cereal lodged in his gums and stood up. "Can we go to the park now? I don't want to get there, and some other kid has his hands on her."

Sirius and Remus deliberately avoided looking at each other; the temptation to laugh was too overwhelming. Instead Sirius answered, "In a moment, Pronglet. In fact, maybe you should ask Charlotte on a date?"

Harry looked at him in confusion. "What's a date?"

"A date is when two people who are interested in each other spend time together," explained Remus. "You can go to lunch or dinner, go to the museum-"

"Or in Remus's case, take some poor girl to the library and explain the value of Arithmancy to wizard-kind," Sirius interrupted, smirking at the werewolf. Remus glared at him.

"How many times do I have to tell you that I never did that?" he snapped irritably.

"How many times do I have to tell you that I don't believe you?" Sirius smiled at Harry. "Go and tidy your room and grab your jacket, mate. I'll just finish tidying the kitchen." The young boy bolted up the stairs, determined to find Charlotte and ward off any other interested parties. Remus chuckled.

"He's a bit young to be in love, isn't he?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Just because you were a late bloomer doesn't mean everyone else is."

Remus scowled at the animagus. "I was not a late bloomer. Besides, there's a difference between love and _hormones_, Padfoot. You were the one who chased anyone in a skirt before you even grew chest hair."

"You're just jealous because your chest hair didn't even sprout until after mine fully grew, especially considering that fact that you're a werewolf. The point is that I have fifteen years of experience over you."

Remus scoffed. "Sirius, the difference between you and I is that I actually know what women want. You just know what YOU want, if you catch my drift."

"Lies and slander! Anyway, I'm going to teach Pronglet the tricks of the trade!" said Sirius proudly. "Who better to teach him than me?"

Remus stared at him in disbelief. "You've got to be kidding…Sirius, you are the LAST person who should be giving him relationship advice!"

"Oh so he should be listening to you instead?" asked Sirius sarcastically. "Your first and last relationship was in sixth year, Moony."

"And your first and last relationship was…oh I'm sorry, you've never been in a relationship!" countered Remus smugly.

"Yet I still know more about women than you!" The animagus smirked at the werewolf. "Don't compare your knowledge of the opposite sex to mine, Remus. No one could possibly know more than me. Which is why it is my designated duty to pass on all I know to a worthy successor; my godson."

"No you're not." The werewolf shook his head decidedly. "I will not let you preach your 'knowledge' of women to a naïve little boy. You will ruin him for life. _I _will teach him how to talk to girls."

"And _I _won't let you preach your supposed 'wisdom' when you haven't had any experience." Sirius raised his head and looked at the werewolf resolutely. "No if's or buts, Remus. Wooing women is _my _arena, reading and arithmancy is yours. Now, shouldn't you be heading to work?"

Remus glared at him once more before getting up. "Fine, I'll leave it to you." He left the kitchen and disapparated with a loud crack just as Harry raced into the room again. As they left the house for the park, Sirius breathed a sigh of relief, fondly thinking that he had convinced the werewolf to leave it all to him.

At least that's what he thought…

**I…..I**

A few days later Harry was sitting on the living room couch, watching as his godfather ironed his jacket for him. After nervously asking his crush to go on a date, it had been arranged that they would visit the ice cream parlour together...as long as Charlotte's dad was there.

"How come Mr Benson insisted on taking us?" asked Harry curiously.

"Because every father wants to be there to instil fear in the boyfriend's life," answered Sirius, handing Harry the jacket. "Girls love boys dressed in black. Trust me, I know." The young boy pulled it on, hoping that was true.

There was a loud crack in the hallway, followed by Remus entering the room with a large bouquet of roses in his arms.

"Ahh, here's the man of the hour!" the werewolf greeted, grinning widely at the young boy. "How are you feeling, Pronglet?"

"What are you doing here?" queried Sirius, eying the werewolf suspiciously.

Remus shrugged and smiled pleasantly at the animagus. "What, I can't wish Harry good luck on his first date? Here." He held out the flowers in his arms. "Give these to Charlotte. Women love flowers, especially red roses."

Harry took them. "Thanks Moony-" But Sirius snatched the flowers off him and put them on the coffee table, glaring at the werewolf. He knew very well that Remus was here to offer Harry his own advice, which would only lead to catastrophe

"Thanks, Remus, but Harry already has a romantic gift for Charlotte." The animagus nodded his head at a box next to the roses. "White musk perfume. It's the gift that keeps on giving and doesn't die after a few days. Come on, Pronglet!" He pulled Harry out of the room and up the stairs. "Let's get you ready for your first date."

Remus glowered at Sirius's retreating back. Raising his head high, he marched determinedly up the staircase as well, and entered the animagus's bedroom, where Sirius was preparing to do Harry's hair.

"Pronglet, if there's one thing girls love more than a man's eyes, it's hair," he informed his godson. "Fortunately for you, you are already blessed with messy locks that would melt any girl's heart."

Remus shook his head, pulled out the brush he had brought with him, and started combing Harry's hair. "Tidy your hair up, Pronglet. Girls like boys who are clean and respectable."

"Yeah, like that ever got you anywhere, Remus," said Sirius sarcastically, pushing the werewolf aside and mussing Harry's hair up again. "Believe me, Pronglet, girls like guys with unkempt hair. Makes you look like you've just gotten off your broom. Plus, every female loves a rebel who doesn't play by anyone else's rules."

Remus folded his arms. "Why then, did Lily hex James every time he messed up his hair in front of her?"

"It worked for him in the long run, didn't it? See?" He pointed at Harry. "The result of James's painstaking hair mussing."

Remus rolled his eyes as Sirius spiked Harry's hair up with so much Wizard's Sculpting Gel that the ends of his hair were stiff and immovable. The animagus stood back to admire his handiwork.

"Now you're ready to woo some girls, Pronglet," he announced proudly. Remus surveyed Sirius's creation critically.

"You really think this is how he's going to impress Charlotte?" he asked in disbelief. "Putting so much gel in his hair that his head is now a gelmet?"

Sirius stared at him blankly. "…A what, Moony?"

"You know, a _gelmet_. It's a helmet made out of gel so…it's a …gelmet…" the werewolf trailed off and shuffled his feet awkwardly. He glared at Sirius who was shaking his head. "It's funny!"

"Do us all a favour, Remus, and stop being 'funny'. It's not your forte." Sirius spritzed some cologne on Harry's neck. "Women love the cologne, mate. It's what separates the studs from the chuds. Pick the wrong scent and they'll go running in the opposite direction. Moony would know; he wore this god-awful cologne to a date in seventh year and he was thereafter known as the Pongy Prefect."

"Padfoot, you were the ONLY one who called me that. And you're spraying too much on him!" Remus pulled out a handkerchief and started rubbing some of the cologne off Harry's neck. "You don't want it to overpower you, Pronglet. Girls will start coughing their lungs up, especially if all they can smell is Padfoot's twenty-year old aftershave."

"Oh really? I think you could do with some, Moony." The animagus picked up the bottle and sprayed nearly half a bottle all over the werewolf's head. He smirked as Remus coughed and spluttered. "There you go. Keep this up and before you know it you might be _half _as cool as me!"

"Stop killing your brain cells by drowning yourself in cheap aftershave, and you might be _half _as intelligent as me!"

"How dare you – this isn't cheap!" Sirius held the bottle in front of Remus's face. "This is limited edition. The only thing limited about you is your knowledge of the female species!"

Harry for his part was highly confused by the constant stream of conflicting advice. Finally the young boy snapped, "QUIET!"

Sirius and Remus immediately stopped their squabbling and looked at Harry. The animagus cleared his throat and shuffled his feet sheepishly.

"Sorry, Pronglet. Ready to head off, mate?"

"Gladly," Harry muttered under his breath. He put on his jacket and followed Sirius to the front door. Remus picked up the forgotten bouquet of roses and rushed after him.

"Make sure you behave like a gentleman and offer to pay for her milkshake. And don't forget your flowers!" He put them in Harry's hands. "She will love them."

"But Sirius said-"

"Sirius is an idiot, Pronglet." Remus shook his head at the animagus. "Trust me, Charlotte will adore you."

"If he's bringing your stupid roses, he is also bringing my bottle of perfume!" Sirius took the bottle off the coffee table and also gave it to Harry. "Flowers are fleeting, perfume is personal."

"How can it be a personal gift when you don't even know that she likes the smell of musk?"

"Can I just go?" snapped Harry irritably. Both men fell quiet once again.

"Sorry, mate, of course you can. Oh, and I have one last critical piece of advice before you go." Sirius placed his arms on Harry's shoulders and looked at him solemnly. "Girls are like ravenous bats, Pronglet. Compliment them once and they'll all swoop down on you wanting more, more, MORE until you are a bleeding mess on the ground getting pecked at by vultures as kneazles claw at your face-"

Remus rolled his eyes. "Where are you going with this, Padfoot?" Sirius scowled at him before turning his attention back to Harry, who was staring at him with wide eyes.

"The point is don't go overboard with the praising. She'll bleed you dry! Just compliment her hair and dress enough that she'll hold your hand. Alright then!" He clapped Harry's shoulders and smiled at him encouragingly. "Have fun on your first ever date, Pronglet!"

"Yeah…" mumbled Harry, whose face had suddenly gone rather green. He cast them one last nervous look before walking out the door, leaving the two men to continue their bickering. He walked over to Charlotte's house and paused at the front door, breathing heavily from both nerves and the overpowering scent of his godfather's aftershave. As the door opened to reveal his sweetheart, Harry swallowed nervously before shoving the roses and perfume in her face and saying quickly;

"Iboughtyousomerosesandperfume!"

**I….I**

A couple of hours later, the front door opened. Sirius and Remus both jumped up at the sound and waited eagerly for Harry to enter the room so he could tell them about his successful date. However their faces fell when Harry walked in, a grumpy expression on his face. The little boy flung his coat onto the couch with a vindictive grimace. Sirius and Remus glanced at each other with raised eyebrows, before Remus asked cautiously;

"So…how did it go?"

"Absolutely terrible, if you must know the truth!" answered Harry crossly, pulling off his shoes and hurling them across the carpet. The two men glanced at each other again, but it was Sirius who spoke this time;

"...What happened?"

"What DIDN'T happen?" Harry looked at Remus, an annoyed expression on his face. "First of all, she told me that she doesn't like roses and I should have known that since she had apparently told me that before…when she supposedly told me this, I have absolutely no idea, but anyway, she wasn't happy. Then, when I offered to pay for her milkshake, she told me that she doesn't need a man to pay for her!"

Remus opened and closed his mouth, unable to reply. Sirius folded his arms and smirked at the werewolf.

"What did I tell you, Pronglet? Never ask this man for advice on wom-"

"Don't you start!" Harry pointed an accusing finger at his godfather. "_Your_ advice was the worst of all!"

The animagus's mouth dropped. "What! Why?"

"Charlotte said it looked like I hadn't even made an effort to look presentable for our date, and that my hair was a mess. She took one whiff of me and said she couldn't breathe because I stank so much. Then she said the smell of the perfume was worse, and that it reminded her of her great-grandmother!"

Sirius gaped at Harry before replying indignantly, "Well clearly the girl is mental!"

"Clearly you and Remus are, if you're both willing to go through all this. I have come to the conclusion that either girls are insane or neither of you have any idea what you're doing." Harry shook his head decidedly. "I think I'll just buckle down and focus on my quidditch career. I haven't got time for all this rubbish. Either way, remind me never to get help from either of you again." The young boy made his way upstairs, muttering about a long shower and a strong mug of hot chocolate.

The two men stood there, mouths wide open before turning and pointing at each other.

"Don't say a word!"

**I….I**

**I hope you all enjoyed this fluffy one-shot! Don't forget to review!**


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